My teacher has been telling me over the past couple of days that if there is anything I want to do to just, “push me out of the way,” or to “tell me shut up and let you do it.” Sure… Let me just tell this successful adult and incredible teacher to shut up. How on earth do you respond to something like that? Well, here’s how I did.
After spending the weekend in a state of dread and panic over what she could have meant or that she thinks I am terrible at being a teacher, I flat out told her how I did not really know how to respond to her saying that. Actually, I spent all weekend rehearsing what I might say but when I got the opportunity to do it I simply opened my mouth and prayed that whatever words came out made a coherent sentence. What came out was a frantic, “I am having trouble telling you to step aside and let me do things because I know how I am and I am worried that I will overstep.” I added that I knew I did not know what I am doing and clearly she did. I explained that when I take charge I really take charge. That might mean actually pushing people out of the way to get what I want accomplished done. I explained how I have consciously taken a step back from how I usually am because I have been worried about being to upfront and forceful. I realized before my first day that I had to not be so pushy, loud-mouthed, annoying, and demanding.
Her response was that she was so used to being the one in charge that she forgets I am capable of doing some of the things she does. The conversation went on and I get where she is coming from. It doesn’t make feel better. I am absolutely panicked right now because I had to make a decision about what to take over tomorrow. I did it over text message about 30 minutes ago and my heart is still racing a bit and I am a little queasy.
I have no problem making decisions when the blame falls on me when they don’t work out. It is a whole other ball game when the blame might fall on someone else. And if the students don’t do well because of something I did, I am not the one who has to deal with it. Getting someone else in trouble is whole lot more responsibility than getting myself into trouble. I have plenty of experience with my loud mouth getting me in trouble and have eaten my share of crow over the years but to possibly effect someone else like that is making me a little sick.
Now I have to go in tomorrow and deal with the consequences of making a decision about what to take over. As a constant imagine-er of worst case senarios, I see tomorrow morning as an ugly failure where things stop in their tracks because I made the wrong choice. How on earth should this be handled? Because, apparently, I do not have the life skills to do this gracefully or with any tact at all.